Food Network Trash Talk

Ok, I'm getting irritated with the Food Network. So much so that a rant is in order.¹

What happened to the interesting shows like "A Cook's Tour"? Seriously, there's nothing better than watching some guy wander around a foreign country searching for the most bizarre food possible. You can't go wrong with a chef from New York getting lost in the Vietnamese countryside and crashing some farmer's family dinner of fermented fish parts. Sure, we still have "The Thirsty Traveler," but it lacks something and he is pretty obvious about trying to pick up the girls.²

This leads to another issue I have with the Food Network; it has become very elitist. "The Thirsty Traveler" is only somewhat guilty of this, but it's not too bad. It's god-awful shows like "Barefoot Contessa" and anything involving Rob Feeney³ that really get my goat. What's-her-face on "Barefoot Contessa" seems to rub her wealth in the face of viewers⁴ and as for Rob Feeney, why the hell does everything need foie gras? Don't even get me started on Christine Cushing and her ultra-yuppie smarm-fest. "Iron Chef" is great, both versions, but is anyone at home going to attempt any of those concoctions? I swear that half the time it's not about what tastes or looks good, but about which meals cost more. I'm just waiting for one of them, whether on the Japanese or American version, to make something that involves swallows nest, sharks fin, abalone, foie gras, and truffles in one dish. The ads, when not promoting ad nauseum whatever new⁵ show is coming out next month, are clearly geared towards the young and the wealthy.⁶ As well, you've got hosts like Rachael Ray and Giada De Laurentiis switching from shows like "$40 a Day"/ "30 Minute Meals" (Ray) and "Everyday Italian" (De Laurentiis) to high priced crap like "Tasty Travels"⁷ and useless celebrity bunk like "Behind the Bash."

And what's with the so-called "personalities"? Rachael Ray has gone from mildly cute to downright irritating;⁸ Anna Olson ("Sugar") has no personality at all;⁹ Michael Smith ("Chef at Home/Large") speaks as if he were talking to a four-year-old and has absolutely the scariest bug-eyes I've ever seen;¹⁰ Rob Rainford "License to Grill" needs to stop pretending to be spontaneous and deal with the fact that his show is the same every time;¹¹ Dana McIntyre's ("Superstar Chef Challenge 2005" winner, "Just One Bite") enthusiasm is so clearly put-on and exaggerated that she needs to just go away; those fear-mongering knobs from "Kitchen Crimes" are completely unbearable and condescending; and Trish Magwood ("Party Dish") just seems like some spoiled rich girl who got her own TV show.I could go as the list of irritations is exhaustive,¹² but I'll stop there for now.

Finally, I am really irritated with seeing the same shows over and over again. "I Do, Let's Eat," "Restaurant Makeover,"¹³ and "Iron Chef America" need to make more shows. I'm tired of these ones. I get it.

This is not to say I dislike the Food Network. It is, as stated in footnote #1, the default channel. Despite the impossibility of recreating the dishes, "Iron Chef" rocks.¹⁴ Alton Brown is awesome, both on "Iron Chef America" and "Good Eats."¹⁵ Gordon Ramsay is my hero.¹⁶ Jamie Oliver makes a very watchable show,¹⁷ although I can never remember the recipes. "Food Jammers," at least so far, has been pretty fun, too. I like "Surreal Gourmet, too.¹⁸

So, to end this rant, I conclude that the Food Network is on a dangerous path where it could either succumb to becoming just another diversion for the wealthy or give a nice balance of entertaining and instruction.

Now, I go eat lunch.¹⁹

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1. I know what you're thinking, "Just stop watching," but I can't. It's become the default channel. All I can say to that is, it's better than CNN. Plus, the TV is off a good amount of the time anyway, so whatever.
2. That said, it is pretty funny to watch him drunkenly make the attempt.
3. As a side note, I now live on the same block as Rob Feeney's restaurants. Almost the same building, actually.
4. Not to mention treating her husband like a two-year-old.
5. Or whatever show you just watched last week but just have to see again.
6. See Jaguar ad with terrible and trendy disco-rock crap music.
7. What a stupid name for a show. Ooh, how alliterative!
8. And she talks out of the side of her mouth waaaaay too often.
9. Do you think she could try any harder to be Martha Stewart?
10. And what is up with that hair and clothing? I'm most certainly no fashion snob, but someone has to tell this guy that it isn't 1994 anymore and he is not "Chris-in-the-morning" from "Northern Exposure."
11. "Today, I grilled a big piece of meat and smoked some veggies and/or a fish. Tune in next week when I grill a big piece of meat and smoke some veggies and/or a fish." "I Do, Let's Eat" is another show with this problem. Every show, the food is ready on time but the ceremony runs late. What-ever will they do?
12. I didn't even get started on Emeril or the two worst hosts in history, Marc Summers ("Unwrapped") and Bobby Rivers ("Top Five").
13. A really good show, but probably the worst perpetrator of this crime.
14. You really can't go wrong with translations of the judges comments like, "It's like someone opened my mouth and stuffed a fistful of herbs in it."
15. I love his props on "Good Eats." The show about rice was brilliant.
16. His gratuitous use of the word "fuck" is awe-inspiring.
17. Except for that one where the camera moves around so much you get motion sick.
18. Although Bob Blumer does sometimes appear to be trying too hard to be different.
19. Despite the proximity, I don't think I'll be going to Lumiere or Feeney's. I'm thinking leftover green curry from the other night sounds about right.